aMAZEing Journey

February 08: Again.. Another fantastic summer is almost over.

Many hills and yet another hill. I am saying this cause I have just submitted my thesis.. big times!!!! Yeah, I celebrated the big submission day with big dinner and lots of drinks. Reward myself with a few presents as well. I have to, especially after 3.5 years of works. I really enjoy the journey! I mean it. Now that I'm not doing it anymore. I miss it! I miss ginger, the cat. I miss the gym, I miss the casual free lunches. I miss the friends! I miss my lab manager, the lab tech, the rides over west gate bridge, the casual run away before 5 pm, the many coming lates, the cafeteria lady, the quiche, the security guard. My supervisor, mmmm??? The trips, the many trips to conferences, the excitement of wining and losing. I miss them. I miss them all.

Going down hill. I rewarded myself with a week off.. I was on the other hand feeling very nervous. While spending my one week holiday, I was actually crazily hunting for jobs. Checking mails every single day, applying for lots of jobs. Why? I was not confident in myself! I didn't trust myself. Even after finishing the thesis and after all those yearsssss of study, I hadn't believe in myself! I had no self confidence at all. That was why I was nervous and was trying too hard to get a job right after the submission date.

I rewarded myself with a guitar and thought that I was actually going to learn how to play it after I submitted my thesis. I was planning to take the guitar lessons. I planned, but I didn't execute it! Because I was not confident in myself. I thought, it was not an important thing to do, 'I can do it later.. or later .. or later', I remembered saying this 3 years ago.

I was planning to go for a holiday. A holiday back home then going around the world. I promised my dad that I was coming home as soon as I finished my thesis. That was what I said, even before I got my extension for thesis submission date. I planned, but I didn't do it. I thought, since they had come to visit me, what was the point of me going home. I said that last year, the year before but here I am, still in Melbourne.

I dreamed of going away for a few road trips with friends and family. Dreamed of writing on the beach or yeah, did something with my writing skill. I always envy people who could write well. I borrowed a few books, 'becoming a creative writting', 'positive writing' etc. I read them, but I didn't have the time to practice them. Four months or maybe more, I didn’t write my blogs. Why, I had no confident in myself. I never believed I could write well.

Going up hill. A week after I submitted my thesis, I got my first job. Not exactly my first. I should say my first after the submission. For the first time I worked part time as a food technologist. I felt like a true scientist. I received a real assignment. Real commercial challenges! I didn't have a smooth start, certainly not. I remember going to the factory, not knowing anyone, sitting alone, and feeling so lonely. But I managed to pull through, looking forward to see the product on the supermarket shelf.

Not being confident in my own ability was one thing, but another was probably not having the confident in life. What could go wrong of not getting a full time paid for a few months? Nothing! Yeap, exactly! While working part time, I applied for a casual job as a lab technician. In total, I spent 6 days working. Recall, I started 2 weeks after the submission. I learned a lot though! Being in a firm with 100 other scientist, I learned a lot! It was kinda fun actually. There was this voice at the back of my head, however, saying... 'hello, you have just submitted a PhD thesis, shouldn't u be doing a better job'. Of cuz, you can never satisfy a human desire! And that's exactly what happen to me. Having a part time and casual job, I was seeking for more. Wait a minute, that was not a lack of confident! ahhah. Hmm Anyway, as soon as I heard of a research job in dairy products. I took it!

And yet another hill. So here I am. I am doing my post doctoral research. Okay, these are a few comments that I received from my frens when they found out that I started working as a PDF. 'Are you sure? Do you really want to do research again? Do you really want to put yourself into those stresses again? Do you really love university so much? Don't you want to try working in the industry? Remember the stresses?

Well frens. I am here to tell you all about it. Yeah, congratulation to me, I have just plunged myself into another big huge tunnel. Huge.. Bigger than ever! I really want to cry. It is surprisingly hard to cry now a day. This feeling of 'crying will not do any good for you' and that 'what's the point of being so weeky girly' dry the tears. Everyday for the past 6 weeks were just like a tiring run on a track, with a train chasing me from behind! The train, with its long carriages. It was moving so fast and so fiercely towards me. On the first carriage, there was me, my own self leading the chase. I am chassed by my own self.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know. I have to stop this! Chasing myself. I have to stop this. For weeks and maybe months I told myself, ‘you look like a depressed soul’. And it’s all true. I realized that I was being too hard on myself a few weeks ago, but instead of seeking a real remedial help. I was running into food and TV. All the binge eating and the hours hours of TV time didn’t help at all. It just plunged me deeper into a world of nowhere. Michelle on the biggest loser said, ‘looking good is feeling good’. And so it’s true how my hill, the career hill have plunged me into other hills. I don’t feel good! Not to mention about my very bland social life. I was there among the crowds of people, and yet my mind was on the track. I ignore the need of having a social life. I mean, not just being there in person, but being there in person and in my whole mind. What is wrong with me..So again I created more hills.

I am not giving up. I know I can do it. A professor told me once that ‘difficulty’ is only ‘a state of mind’. Let’s change this state of mind. Let’s not view this journey as ‘HILLS’. I mean it! I hope it will be ‘Many fun and yet More fun.’

I am not giving up. A friend told me once that I am a superwoman, not because of who I was not or who I will be, but because of who I am. I guess it’s when I live my life, not the life of someone I am not, than I can count this journey and make it WORTH.

Many fun and yet more fun (coming)