aMAZEing journey.. At last I'm here again

And so it's 14th July 2009. It's almost a year since my last entry. Where have I been? I'm not too sure really. I've been lost and found many2 times, too many up and down that I lost count.

And so I promise myself to stop at least once a week, or once a month to write this blog. To find myself. I just couldn't seem to see through when I was cluttered with many stuff and this blog is the only remedial relieve for me. I learn a lot about myself when I put it on writing.

And so, where am I? I have finally graduated from my study. It was long delayed since last year. I thought I should put this in 'Worth', but never mind.. My journey continues anyway. Yes, I graduated.. Finally I closed one chapter of my life. And I know I am not done yet. As mentioned before, I have plunged myself into another long tunnel. Phiuh.... sad reality. That was what I thought for the past few months... I pitied myself for doing another research job, with never ending journey. I was feeling so saturated that nothing was clear to me.. Nothing!

And so, this morning when I woke up.. I told myself, stop all this self condemnation, self pitying. Be positive. You are not in a tunnel!!!! remmember difficulty is only a state of mind. In fact, we are the person who create our own mood. You doesn't have to put yourself into difficult situation all the time. You should recreate your journey, look at things from different perspective.. It's not walking through a dark tunnel anymore. It's simply a life.. It was "WORTH" everything before. And now, it should still "WORTH" all the efforts. Infact it should be "aMAZEing" life. Although it comes at a price.. and sometimes it can be like a maze with all its confussion. But don't let yourself drown in your negativity! wake up and fight it!!

And so, what happened?
To be honest, I am not so sure. Let me recap my life... I went to China, was invited to speak as part of winning the Young Scientist award. Had such a good times there with my parent as well and I even had a chance to go back to Indo for a week to see my sis new born baby. It was all good. I then had a great summer, really hot one. I remember it hit 46C one day and we had the worst bush fire in Melbourne. Begining of the year 09, I had my job contract continued till hopefully 2011. Managed to wrote a couple of papers and went for a few more local conferences. All was fine. I was hitting the gym quite regularly and my proudest moment would be, being able to do the volunteer ministry for three months. Then my sis came, had the greatest holiday ever in Lorne. Five days relaxing in the beach house. It was all good. A few months ago, my family also came to visit. Spent lots of time catching up with them.. reconnecting back with my childhood. Then I received the feedback from my first paper. It was rejected. That was the begining. I could not accept failure. I didn't take it that well. For many people, it may just be a paper, for me..it's my job, it felt like i haven't done a good job. I was so annoyed and stressed and though I managed to do all the correction.. it left a big scar and destroyed my self confident. I have three papers all hanging around without any status at the moment. Before any of them is accepted, I fear that i am not going to gain my self confident back.

And so.. that was it. I guess, it wasn't that bad afterall. But I know those simple fall was contagious. One bad fall led to many others. I ran to food and all the binge eating. I hadn't hit the gym as much as before. I buried myself wathing TV, not doing any spritual study.. just being a vegetable. Plus all the lack of sleep.. here I am now.. I am looking very very misserable. I started to even worry about the far future.. my life in such a distance. I made is so horrible and scarry. I was very gloomy. I know I was shaky for a while but I shouldn't procastinate the future and made it worse before it even happen.

And so.. no more of self burying (is there such a word?), no more negativity. The papers will be published. It WILL be.. And look, many exciting things are awaiting me.. The house, the trips, the many weddings to attend, the wedding cakes. I know this year, I made the biggest purchase in my life. This year, i have even decided to take lots of work leave. And that's probably why I was feeling scared. Yes.. cause I am about to do different things. Oh well... from now on, things got to change! At work, I will use the many failures as a chance to try other techniques, to explore different things. I have to run away from TV and from being a vegetable.

And so.. I am looking forward to many things ahead. Exciting results at work, exciting reunion with friends, the house and exciting fitness regime. I will make it through.. I have to make this blog interesting and so I have to make my life interesting. I know it should be the other way round hahahah... July, August, September.... I am coming!